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Baby Talk

Everyone has baby-talked in his or her life at one point or another. Whether it be talking to an actual baby, or talking to your significant other in a “baby” voice.

Let’s start out with the logistics of this. Babies can’t speak, so why have we fictionalized this weird, sometimes high-pitched (depending on your style), voice?

I hate baby talk. I despise it. My hatred towards baby talk comes a close second to my hatred towards pigeons (whom I believe are the rats of the bird race).

Not only do I hate baby talk when couples use it, but also when adults use it towards babies. Why should I speak to your child in this broken caveman-like English? Aren’t we trying to teach this little person how to speak? If I have children, I’m not going to shorten words like “bottle” to “buh-buh.” While the other kids are learning how to speak normal English, my child will be on their third language (and maybe getting beat up on the playground).

But when it comes to couples, this is just unacceptable.

I was a waitress for a while and once witnessed the worse instance of baby talk to date. I asked a couple what they wanted to order and the girl turned to her full-grown, mid-20’s, boyfriend and said: “What does yo tummy wanna eat my babay?” I thought it was a joke and actually laughed out loud.

It wasn’t.

The boy shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable and gave me a weak smile that I read as: “Look at how hot my girlfriend is, I have to let these things go.” And she was hot, but still.

Can any guy actually tell me they enjoy this baby talk phenomenon? Guys, don’t lie, I know you’ve talked back in the baby voice, and I know you’re not proud of it. But do you like when your girlfriend decreases you to how grandparents talk to their newborn grandchildren, or how Paris Hilton talks to her dogs? I didn’t think so.

Posted by on February 13, 2013. Filed under Around Campus. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.