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What That Text Actually Means

Girls admittedly decode text messages like they are trying to decipher ancient Egyptian hieroglypics.  And guys, whether they will admit it or not, do the same thing.

I think my friends and I spent more time reading and re-reading texts from guys we like then we spent reading our lease on our apartment for next year. (I should probably look into that.) Despite the fact that this practice is highly asinine, here’s my attempt at breaking down what text messages really mean, for both guys and girls alike.

For the guys, if you receive any of the following texts from a girl, here is what they likely mean:

1. “I’m fine.” – I’m not fine. And you should keep asking me about it, no matter how annoying that might be, until I tell you why I’m not. This should take at least three text exchanges. It is also a test. Everything is a test.

2. The excessive use of periods. For example: “Ok. Whatever. That’s cool.” – It’s not cool, and you can just imagine her failing at angrily clicking away at her touch-screen phone. Hardly anyone properly punctuates each text, so this type of text message requires super-sensitivity.

3. “Go ahead.” – Given the context of the conversation, if you have asked to do something you know she doesn’t want you to do, this is not her permission, this is a dare. Proceed with extreme caution.

4. “Whatever.” – This is our way of saying, “fuck you” while trying to keep classy.

5. “Nothing.” – Something. Nothing always means something, never forget that.

For the girls, here is my best shot at the complicated yet simple mind of men:

Note: All texts received after 1am are strictly booty calls. Close to no exceptions on this one.

1. “Sup?”– I want to talk to you, but I’m hoping you have something interesting to say because this is the best I came up with. My laziness affects not only my ability to write out full words, but also to start a conversation.

2. “Hah” – I’m being a nice guy, but I’m bored with the conversation and would like it to end. I’ll double text you if I change my mind.

3. “Happy birthday/Merry Christmas/Happy Thanksgiving/etc.” – It’s been a while since we hooked up and you look really good on Facebook.

4. “Where are you/What are you doing?” –Between the hours of 8am and 8pm it’s pretty safe to say he’s genuinely interested in having a conversation with you. After 9pm it gets into the sketchy zone where you can be almost positive he’s looking to hook up.

5. “Come over/want to watch a movie?” – Let’s hook up. This is valid for all times of the day.

Posted by on February 24, 2013. Filed under Around Campus. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

One Response to What That Text Actually Means

  1. Jordan Cooper

    February 24, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Well, this is highly gender normative.