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HEY GUYS! So, I’ve literally always been majorly into fashion. From the time I first developed the muscle mass necessary to lift the forty pound September issue of Vogue, I’ve been hooked. I’m not trying to brag here but I was the one who ushered in the plastic-mesh choker fad of 2001 at Errickson Elementary School. Impressive, I know! But I didn’t just wake up one day a couture connoisseur. I’ve dedicated hours of my life to trolling the internet for ideas to steal and styles to rip-off. Being shallow takes some serious commitment! LOL!
But with great panache comes great responsibility. I want to pay it forward! So that’s why I’m starting my own fashion blog: She Said I Think I’ll Go to Boston But Will You Still Love Me When I’m No Longer Young and Beautiful? Yeah, okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Everyone with an Instagram account and half a brain-cell seems to have a fashion blog lately!” But mine will be different. I’m not just gonna write about clothes. I’m gonna take pictures of them too! But be warned: if we’re caught wearing the same outfit on the same day, someone is getting castrated. And, hint-hint, it’s not gonna be me!
Ha-ha! I’m totally kidding!
I want this blog to be about more than clothes, more than fashion; I want it to be a lifestyle manifesto. I want to inspire my followers to live their best lives: a life in which looking your best is what really matters! So, if this is the first entry of my lifestyle blog, why not kick it off with a “day in the life” feature? Okay? Here goes nothing! Aaaah!
So, I woke up this morning in a white, crew neck t-shirt two-sizes-too-small, black athletic shorts that give off a constant air of sautéed onions and a really hot pair of gray boxer briefs (they’re such a closet staple—I’ve had them since the seventh grade). You can find a similar t-shirt at K-Mart, the shorts inside your local middle school locker room and the briefs at any given crime scene in America. You never know who you’ll meet in your dreams: dress to impress!!!
After slipping out of my fifty thread-count bed linens (they serve the dual function of bedding and exfoliant!), I snorted a line of coffee grounds and dived head first into my closet. A lot goes into my daily ensemble: dog hair, deodorant stains, body lice but, most importantly, a passion for fashion!
Before deciding what I should wear, I follow a strict daily regimen: I moodily stare and sigh at the mirror while listening to some super indie tunes (I LOVE Lana del Rey!!!), I French-kiss a framed portrait of Audrey Hepburn for three minutes and, finally, I comment on an online photo by writing, “UGH! Stop. I CAN’T. I just can’t! I am 187% done.” Try it sometime; you’ll be totally inspired to get super creative with your style!
Okay, so, sound the alarms ‘cause here it is: an OUTFIT OF THE DAY ALERT!!! AAAAAH! Today, I’ll be taking a photo shoot of myself in a grassy field so I need an outfit that screams “white privilege”. I decided on a sheer shirt (hard water and rough winter skin really takes its toll on cotton), some mom jeans that I converted into shorts during a moment of inimitable brilliance and studded combat boots. You’ve never seen anything like it before. Believe me!
Make sure and check out my blog again next week. I’ll be posting the recipe for my famous kale-and-Adderall smoothie, a fool-proof method detailing how to ombre your pubes and my exclusive interview with a real, live eunuch (she/he is super dedicated to autumn’s androgyny trend). You won’t be able to miss it, I’ll post a link on every social media platform that exists and daddy bought some billboard space on Route 93 for me.
Until then, kiddies, remember: stick and stones may break your bones but share my photos without giving me credit and I’ll make you wish you never existed. Love you guys! Stay on trend and condescend! MWAH!