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Maybe a liberal arts education isn’t that liberal after all.
The Emmanuel College 2013-2014 Student Handbook outlines the actions and behaviors that would result in a co-ed spending eternity in Loretto Hall—a fate worse than Hell. The Vice President for Student Affairs, Patricia Rissmeyer, said the handbook “contains valuable information—policies, procedures, services, events and even nearby restaurants.”
The handbook is also 100 pages long and is devoted to topics as thrilling as “academic integrity” and “health insurance policies.” In other words, few Emmanuel College students actually read it. These following five rules, however, give the average student a good idea of what Emmanuel College deems acceptable. As well as an idea of just how Catholic this school is. Pull out the rosary beads now.
5. Relationships with professors are not allowed
Hot for teacher? Not at Emmanuel, you’re not. The handbook states that it is “unacceptable for faculty members to engage in amorous relationships with students enrolled in their classes…even when both parties appear to have consented to the relationship.” It goes on to say that, in the event of a sexual harassment charge, it is not a defense to allege that the relationship was consensual. Warn your English-major friends struggling through their science general requirement that they’ll have to use their textbook to study anatomy from now on.
4. Protests can only occur with administrative approval
Want to burn some bras? You’ll have to go to Simmons for that. The handbook explains “while the campus is open to the free exchange of ideas, the College may limit the time, place and manner of demonstration.” Student demonstrations must be presented to Dr. Rissmeyer days ahead of time. So long as the demonstration is not indecent, grossly obscene or offensive, it will be approved. So, if you’re planning an “Occupy Marian Hall” movement, make sure to pencil in an appointment. Preparing a PowerPoint wouldn’t hurt either.
3. No drinking at any age
The handbook argues that the campus alcohol policy is designed to promote the College’s goal of providing a safe, healthy environment for student growth. As a result, the consumption and possession of alcohol is prohibited regardless of whether the student is over 21 years old or not. Items even affiliated with the consumption of alcohol are forbidden on campus as well, such as shot glasses.
Correction: The Emmanuel College bookstore does not sell shot glasses.
2. Cults and sects are forbidden
If you planned to sacrifice a lamb on the quad to celebrate the winter equinox, you’ll have to take it elsewhere. After citing the “Vatican Report on Sects, Cults and New Religion Movements,” the handbook expresses its concerns with groups that pose a threat to a students’ personal freedom. Without an invitation from the Office of Campus Ministry, no student is allowed to do any spiritual or religious education on campus. Let the power of Christ compel you, sinners!
1. Sex is prohibited on campus
Perhaps the most widely-rumored and comically-enforced Emmanuel College policy is the prohibition of sex in residence halls. The handbook states that “as a Catholic College, Emmanuel does not condone sexual activity in the residence halls and calls students to behave in a moral, ethical, and respectful manner at all times.” What’s a parochial education without a little Catholic guilt?