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Texting is weird. And so are people. Here’s your guide to both.

 By: Kirsten King

1. The Elusive Texter:

You drive us crazy. You text us, we text you back immediately, you text us back 3 days later with a response. We know you just had your phone; maybe our text slipped your mind, or maybe you just care very little. Either way, you are a mystery to us. We make up crazy excuses for you and are constantly wondering what your next move is. When you mentioned having a stomach bug and then didn’t answer for 5 days we resorted to double-texting you because we decided your delayed response meant your stomach bug became extremely serious, you were hospitalized, and checking on you is the nice, non-crazy thing to do (totally not speaking from personal experience).

Person You Make Feel Extremely Insecure: Hey what’s up?
*Day One* Person decides you had a busy day.
*Day Two* Person decides you are somewhere without service.
*Day Three* Person decides your cellphone broke.
*Day Four* Person decides you are an asshole.
You: Hi
*Person decides they still kind of hate you but want to answer with the hope that you offer an explanation*
Person You Make Feel Extremely Insecure: What have you been up to?
*Repeat Cycle*

2. The Parent Texter:

You still haven’t quite grasped the concept of texting and you are likely (and hopefully) over 40. You send texts that are essentially identical to the way you would format an email. When we get your text, you always address us, and sign off—just to remind us that it’s to us, from you (in case the contact information saved in our phone wasn’t a give-away). Your text subjects vary from a news article you read, checking in on our health, asking how a recipe went, to inquiring if we are dating the person in that picture we were tagged on in Facebook (which you also already asked by commenting on the picture—thanks for that, as well). You are most definitely typing your texts with one finger and sometimes you’ll switch your phone to all caps, just because that text is so damn small.

It’s Mom. I heard u went to NYC this weekend. Would have liked a phone call before. Saw the pictures. Was that a dress, or a shirt?
Love u. xoxo, Mom
Annoyed Child: It was a spur of the moment thing. It was a dress and I had tights on. I love you too.
Glad you had fun anyway. I just like to hear from you, that’s all. 😉 xxoo
Love u. Mom

3. The Sarcastic Texter:

For those who know you well, we love your wit and charm via text. We can hear your snarky voice when we read your texts and you leave us lol-ing on the subway, trying to hide our grin while we get death stares from the people around us (everyone hates a text-smiler). However, when talking to someone new, you come off like a total, eh…you know. And Lord help them for not understanding your humor, because that just makes you even sassier.

Less-witty texter: So if I come to Boston, can I stay with you?
You: No, I’ll pay my neighbors to put you up.
Less-witty texter: So should I not come?
You: ….

4. The Excited Texter:

You are SO excited that we texted you! If we need a pep talk, we are definitely hitting YOU up. You love emojis, exclamation points, and we can almost hear your semi-high pitched voice with every text you send! Life is good! And so is texting! We totally love you, unless we’re tired, pissed, or it’s Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday. It becomes severely difficult to tell if you are angry, excited, or doing a little bit of cocaine on the reg, but keeping doing you, Excited Texter!

Less Enthusiastic Friend: I just got a C in Math, this sucks.
You: Aw!!!!!!! Don’t worrry! I believe in you! One test is NOT the end of the world! :/ Here if you need to talk!!! I love you! xoxo! *sad face emoji* *salsa dancer emoji* *tongue out emoji* *book emoji* *princess emoji* *heart emoji* *yellow heart emoji* *sun emoji* *sushi emoji* *wine glass emoji*

5. The Short Texter:

It’s hard to tell if you are chronically pissed, or just a man/woman of few words. Texting is definitely not your thing, and you have gotten into countless arguments with your significant other/friends over your lack of interest in texting. You think “K” is an appropriate text response and use periods excessively. You typically don’t mean to offend, but you are misunderstood in the virtual world we live in. A relationship between The Excited Texter and The Short Texter will never last.

Constantly Offended Friend/Significant Other: I’m making shrimp scampi for dinner tonight, your fav
You: K
Constantly Offended Friend/Significant Other: Well, what else do you want?
You: Idc
Constantly Offended Friend/Significant Other: I’m going out to dinner.
You: K

6. The Suggestive Texter:

You are the master of double innuendos. Everything you say comes off a little bit suggestive and it’s probably because you mean it that way. You usually use texting for hookups or people you’re interested in. You have several people saved in your phone as “(Insert Name Here) from Tinder”.

You are too scandalous for an example.

7. The Word-Vomit Texter:

You really pour your brain onto the page via text. We know everything you’re thinking and every step you make throughout the day. You definitely have an iPhone because iMessage is the only texting medium that would make it semi-acceptable for you to send us 15 texts in a row with any fleeting though that crossed your mind. When we leave our phone for 15 minutes in the middle of a conversation with you, we likely will return to 18+ messages, which usually will amuse us, but sometimes annoys us. We know everything about your day, from how shitty your boss is to if you went to the bathroom that morning. Too much information is not enough for you.

I saw a woman on the train this morning that had the same tights you did.
Where did you get them again?
Was that the time you went without me?
The train is running late
I’m going to be 5 minutes late for work today, annoying.
Friend with the Patience of Job: Yeah I got them at H&M, you were working when we went. Five minutes late shouldn’t be a big deal.
You’re right
I made a new playlist
I like the train in the morning

Posted by on February 8, 2014. Filed under The Week's End. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

One Response to Texting is weird. And so are people. Here’s your guide to both.

  1. Pingback: Texting is weird. And so are people. Here’s your guide to both. | TinderNews