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Written Up with Paul: How to Peel an Apple in 12 Steps (Advice for Terminating a Sour Relationship)

Above all else, do what you believe is right.

1.) Disregard the length of any relationship you’ve maintained with people who have hurt you because they’re hurt. No amount of years can make tender the unlawful malice of another. If you weren’t the cause (indirect or otherwise) of an individual’s suffering, you aren’t liable for their pain. If you did your best to fix what you broke, you owe nothing more. A sincere apology should be enough for the both of you, and incentive to move on.

2.) If you receive wholly unsettling electronic messages from any individual and are weary the thread may compromise your wellbeing or that of its sender, take screenshots and notify proper authorities (such as your Campus Safety office if you attend the same college.)

3.) Neither you nor your combative companion should pine for the “final say”. Keep a private, open dialogue about your discretions between one another, respectfully. Otherwise, stay five hundred feet away from each other forever.

4.) All-around baseless fiction weaved from fragments of the truth (or entirely baked from scratch in many cases) should be recklessly abandoned (with the author) by the individual it was purported to harm. Donate this false record of contempt to the nearest, most neglected drop box for books in your area. Bury it deep under the issue of People from last Christmas and that sad, wet copy of Shiloh you find there (a book so nauseatingly sentimental it probably even makes John Green sad.) Then light the contents of this bin on fire if you want, because no one will likely ever read anything from it again. They shouldn’t, for their sake. God forbid.

5.) You can essentially imagine someone away – make up a befitting conclusion for your antagonistic amigo. Lose these people somewhere poetic, like an ice cream stand next to a table of stale cookies. Save yourself. Your thaw is eternally at odds with their rough crumbs and dust. Brutally vanquish them in your mind if you must. You can have whatever thoughts you want because they’re yours. Don’t wish them injury. Don’t wish them anything.

6.) Don’t talk to your friends about it. You won’t ever say anything good.

7.) If your mother belonged to The Pampered Chef earlier in life, find her medievalist-inspired culinary guillotine for fruit and peel the skin off apples with it. Apples are sticky, sweet and would corrode the lining of your stomach if only they had the strength.

8.) Do something with your exposed apples because you should never waste food, even if Elaine’s muffin stumps from Seinfeld are more practical. Don’t feed them to animals because it’s not healthy. Make a god-damn pie if you want. Boil them. Grill them. Whatever. Don’t pelt your old friend with naked apples because the juice might burn their eyes and you’d be liable for assault.

9.) Dress business-casual-to-kill every day for the rest of your life in the event you serendipitously meet one of your living regrets face to face. Browse Tumblr for something witty you can say to hemorrhage a conversation. Other people have done this before.

10.) Listen to Alanis Morissette! Listen to Bon Iver! Smoke cigarettes. Don’t hurt yourself.

11.) Keep everything because it’s impossible to throw stuff away. Write dumb shit like “apples turn rotten once they’re exposed to the harshness of air because no one ever ate them in time, and that’s an unfortunately incomplete life for fruit.” Consume the ones you love before it’s too late, everyone.

12.) Enjoy your own cognizant susceptibility to gratitude (saditude?) because nothing else is quite as sweet.

Paul Rowley ’16 is a columnist and staff writer for The Hub. Follow him on twitter @almanacalism.

Posted by on October 14, 2014. Filed under Around Campus,Written Up with Paul. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.