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Wondering what the stars have planned for you this spring break? No, not stars like Mila Kunis and Oprah, the stars in the sky!! Check out what’s in store for you…
On the 14th you’ll be taking the shower of your life and “Uptown Funk” will worm it’s way into your brain and you won’t be able to resist screaming out the lyrics as you shave your pubes. Your parents will hear it all the way from the kitchen and take a video of them walking in on you and scaring you. It will become an Internet sensation.
Spice up your LIFE! Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to before and order something crazy! If this is too scary for you try watching a new show on Netflix, maybe even try a whole new streaming website like Hulu or Amazon Prime! AGH! So much change!!
It’s ok to be selfish. Take what you need and put yourself before anyone else this spring break. Eat three bowls of cereal with eggs, bacon, ice cream and pizza for breakfast because you’re fab and you work hard and deserve to treat yo’self.
The Loch Ness Monster is real, on the move, and you are going to meet her. Keep your eyes peeled — you’ll find a lifelong friend in Nessie.
Don’t be worried if your friends seem a little distant this month. They’ve been replaced with androids by the government, but it’s all for the advancement of science. Be nice to your android friends. Show them the dubstep.
You should really get that checked out. I’m not saying it’s definitely fatal, but you should get a professional’s opinion. Your health should always be taken seriously.
Remember not to move too fast — slow yourself down with the relaxing beats of Keith Ape – 잊지마 (It G Ma) ft. JayAllday, loota, Okasian, Kohh
Make sure to spend time outside this spring break! You usually stay cooped up inside because you can’t stand the cold but spring is so close. Just go outside, you’ll feel so much better and happier. Sunlight has vitamin D, which does something good for you skin? Google it if you really want to know that badly.
Did you see Birdman?? No? Um why, it was so good, it even won best picture. Michael Keaton was amazing and it was filmed all in one shot, it was so different and cool. Go see Birdman over spring break and get a huge thing of popcorn. And Junior Mints. And a diet Coke. Wait no, get a Sprite instead. Wait, actually, get a diet Coke.
You need to update your music this spring break. Stop listening to whatever you’re listening to. That Taylor Swift album is so old now, cut it out. Listen to some Gorillaz or Father to get as weird as possible this spring break.
Buy a scratch ticket.
Pisces is the freakiest of all the signs. Enjoy your spring break but, don’t enjoy it too much. You don’t want to end up in the hospital for butt-chugging ten Four Lokos like you did last year… only butt-chug like five Coors Lite.
Anna Topping ’17 is a staff writer for The Hub and uses her psychic connection to gather the monthly horoscopes. Follow her on Twitter @annaytopping.