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Emmanuel Will Again Be Women’s-Only College by Fall 2016 (April Fools!)

UPDATE: THIS IS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE. EMMANUEL COLLEGE IS REMAINING CO-ED.

Emmanuel College administration announced this morning that it will once again be a woman’s only institution starting fall of 2016. Male students currently matriculating will be allowed to continue their enrollment in Emmanuel College but have been encouraged to consider transferal to co-ed colleges and universities in the area.

Photo: Monica Busch '15

Photo: Monica Busch ’15

A notable shift in the student body culture following the inclusion of male students at Emmanuel College prompted the decision to return to being women’s-only. The newly created Emmanuel College Gender Experience Board presented statistics to faculty and administration last month on major increases in business majors, Sperry boat shoes, and senses of entitlement since the arrival of male students in 2001.

The decision to only accept applications from female students as of fall 2016 was unanimously approved.

“This is a big day for Emmanuel,” said Louise Tanger, director of the Gender Experience Board. “It won’t be too long until this school never sees another bucket hat or another pair of those printed pants that are saggy in the rear but tight at the ankles. And I believe that to be a very good thing.”

Many students are just as pleased as Ms. Tanger with the decision.

“I could not be happier,” Allison Greenbaum, ’17 said. “I feel like female students will take classes more seriously if there aren’t boys around to distract us. Plus, I can go to the cafeteria without all the slack-jawed-lax-bros micro-aggressing me from the comforts section.”

However, not all student sentiments are quite as positive.

“I’m confused,” said Mike Barry, ’18. “Everybody kept telling me during orientation that Emmanuel is a place where people hold the door for each other. I don’t feel like anyone is holding the door for me right now.  Where am I supposed to go? Simmons?”

UPDATE: THIS IS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE. EMMANUEL COLLEGE IS REMAINING CO-ED.

Brian Burns is a Staff Writer and Columnist for The Hub. He can be reached at burnsb@emmanuel.edu or via Twitter @brianTburns_

Posted by on April 1, 2015. Filed under Around Campus. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

One Response to Emmanuel Will Again Be Women’s-Only College by Fall 2016 (April Fools!)

  1. (●´ω`●)

    April 1, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    brian u are a star