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Rejoice, my queer brothers, sisters, and gender-adverse siblings, for things are changing. We’re coming out of the closet and into the Supreme Court, ready to fight for the rights we deserve. Yes, gay sex is no longer federally classified as sodomy. Yes, hate-crime laws protect us from getting called “fabulous.” Yes, Hillary Clinton is running for president. But the battle for LGBTQIA rights isn’t over yet.
What’s left, you ask? What else could we need? Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed—allowing us to sacrifice our lives for this country as power bottoms with high power rifles. Chief Justice Roberts and company are hearing arguments about the constitutionality of gay marriage—possibly giving us the same right as heterosexuals to get bitterly divorced from the person we love. But something’s still missing. There’s one more institution of society that remains just out of our limp-wristed grasp.
It’s nobody’s fault. The gay rights movement is constantly changing, responding to new needs and wants. Over time, we’ve realized that issues as trivial as job security, youth homelessness and AIDS just aren’t that important. Because, really, why should we settle for the gay rights movement being about awareness and liberation when heterosexuals have the privilege of partaking in so many richly imprisoning establishments? We deserve that too!
Marriage: check. Military: check. Incarceration: not quite yet! But the time is now. Rise up, people! Contact your mayors and governors, your softball coaches and high school prom dates, your priests and pop music icons. And tell them what we want: equal access to the prisons of the United States of America!
The concept may sound foreign, I know, but think about it. Time spent in jail isn’t all that different from life outside the bars. Take a look at your ride-bareback-or-die fruit fly: she tells you what to do, where to be, how to dress and demands your love and attention when other boys in her life are ignoring her. The prison warden will totally fill that void. And, unlike your best friend, the warden can conduct cavity searches without making it weird at brunch the next morning.
We would offer as much to these correctional facilities as they would offer to us. We’d play around with the inseam of the uniforms, make sure all cells have east-facing windows, get the cooks to use fresh herbs, drop the soap a lot. And, in return, we’ll get to live the same lives as our imprisoned straight allies. We’ll have what they have. We’ll be who they are. Equals.
The journey ahead of us may seem tough but we’ve never been afraid of taking that road less traveled by. There’s always going to be resistance, friction, a little pain. We’ll have to shed blood, sweat, tears, and then some. But that feeling at the end will make it all worth it. When we lay back in our redecorated cell bunks and realize that being confined feels better than ever.
All together now: 2, 4, 6, 8, PRISON AIN’T JUST FOR THE STRAIGHTS!