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In a statement posted to the Portal late Thursday night, Emmanuel College administration announced that housing in the new Julie Residence Hall will be offered only to science students majoring in biology, chemistry, physics, or neuroscience. The decision was made after much deliberation among a panel of trustees.
Slated to finish construction in time for the 2018 academic year, the new 18-story Julie Hall will be three times the size of its current incarnation. With 1,187 new dorm beds, a café, underground bike storage, and a top-floor common area, the new Julie Hall will be a state-of-the-art living space for Emmanuel students.
Or, at least, some Emmanuel students.
“The new Julie Hall will be the finest living option on campus, it’s only logical that it’s offered solely to the finest students,” said Mary-Catherine MacMillan Swann, one of the trustees responsible for the decision. “It will be Emmanuel’s first foray into apartment-style living. We all thought it would be wise if it were offered only to students who have demonstrated rigorous work ethic. And, of course, those who will have the means to give back when the time comes.”
When housing selection takes place in the spring of 2018, students who are able to prove—by means of transcript or academic advisor’s written approval—that they’ve taken more than or equal to 64 credits worth of science courses can apply to live in the new Julie Hall. Students concerned about the academic nature of their Resident Assistants need not worry—RAs selected to work in the new Julie Hall must also be science majors.
“I’m really happy about the decision,” said Mark Doherty ’18, a biochemistry major. “For example, this year I lived with a Philosophy major and I had so much studying to do and all he ever did was, like, write little essays. And I would be like, ‘Dude, can you stop typing so loud? I have an Orgo exam tomorrow that I need to get a C on.’ He just never understood. Offering the new Julie Hall just to science majors…it’ll make for a chill environment.”
Not all students are as happy with the decision.
“Have you been inside the English department office before? The staplers have no staples and not a single electrical socket has a working outlet,” said Brittany Arbus, ’19, a Writing and Literature major. “So not only does the Wilkens Science Center look straight out of, like, the academic Matrix but now they get an entire tower to themselves? I don’t get it!”
A coalition of Humanities students, with representatives from the English, Philosophy, and Art departments, planned a protest on the quad for early Friday morning to decry the administrative decision. However, according to our sources, nobody showed up.
Published on and for April Fools’ Day, 2016.