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Your 2017 Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

Unclear Valentine’s Day plans got you down in the dumps? Not sure if you and your crush are meant to be? Fear no more, the answer to all of your St. Valentine’s concerns lays within the stars!

This February 14 the moon will be in Libra and the planets Venus and Mars will be in full view, meaning that things will be heating up for all twelve signs 😉 Read below to see what Cupid has in store for you (and maybe your crush too).

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This Valentine’s Day you are DTF, like you will F literally anyone with a pulse who is willing but w/ever tho because you are totally ready to charm the pants off of the next person who makes eye contact with you. Venus and Mars will empower you this February and whether you are a single Ram or in a relationship, you will definitely be getting some this Valentine’s.

Perfect Date: Making out right in the middle of the quad so that everyone knows that ur getting some action yeah buddy.

Compatible Signs: Ideally Aquarius, but you may find an unexpected relationship with Virgo.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You usually have pretty low expectations for Valentines day, unless you are in a committed relationship. If you have a sweetheart you have already began to spoil them rotten with love and affection. If you are single, keep ur head up boo boo, go see “La La Land” or read a book in bed. U are beautiful and u are worth it!!

Perfect Date: Dinner at a rustic and expensive restaurant that u made reservations for two months ago.

Compatible Signs: Taurus is ur perfect lover bc they will actually appreciate all of ur hard work.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

All month you have been secretly thinkin’ bout having a romantic date with ur crush on valentines day but when the 14 actually happens you are too busy spending time w all your friends to go on a date, and anyway even if someone asked u out u already know that u are too good/too busy to waste ur time on them.

Perfect Date: A very private an isolated dinner filled w lots of deep, intellectual conversation haha jk ur at the club.

Compatible Signs: Not usually ur type but Aries will ruin ur life this winter.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

Take off your heels/timberland boots and tie on that apron! The moon is in your fourth house which means you are feeling domestic and emotional (nothing new). If you are single, bake so many F-ing cookies and cupcakes and give them all to ur friends/neighbors. If you are in a relationship, now is the time to invite them over for a romantic, intimate dinner. You have been dying to tell your partner how much they mean to you/how often u fantasize about your wedding, three unborn children and rescuing a golden doodle named Michelle.

Perfect Date: A delicious, home-cooked meal followed by three hours of gently cuddling foreplay that leads up to you falling asleep without ever taking your pants off.

Compatible Signs: SCORPIO SCORPIO SCORPIO!!!!

leo

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

U f*cking stud, u are your own valentine this year. Venus is the planet of love and the planet of SEX and that is something that you can get on board with. There is clearly no one on this earth who is as amazing as u so this February 14 even if you get asked on many dates you will still spend the night stalking your own Instagram feed, you beautiful bastard.

Perfect Date: Any date with you is perfect, you’re amazing hahahaha.

Your crush is: Cash me outside how bout dah.

virgo

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Valentine’s Day? What’s that? Did you know that St Valentine was clubbed to death by Roman Executioners? Valentine’s Day is a pagan holiday and you want nothing to do with that so you will be spending the day gettin’ ready for Easter. ALSO, just because you are a VIRGO, the sign that is a VIRGIN, does not mean that you are one too…ladies???

Perfect Date: A spontaneous walk thru the city that involves a lot of hand holding, warm beverages and maybe brunch.

Your crush is: You think you like Capricorn but actually you are v into Libra oops.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22rd)

The moon is in your sign this month and that in combination with Venus and Mars will make you RADIANT and GLOWING. Do not waste this precious time by sitting around, picking your nose alone watching “Shameless.” That show started in 2011!! You are intoxicating and irresistible, in fact I am fully torqued just thinkin’ about u. What do you do with this power? GO ON TINDER.

Perfect Date: A concert or something, you just want to dance and show off ur new lingerie in the bathroom.

Your crush is: Sagittarius??

scorpio

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

The moon is in your twelfth house with means that the theme of this Valentine’s Day is NOSTALGIA. Listen to MGMT and re-read Harry Potter. Nostalgia means that you should dig deep in your closet and rock that sequin dress from 2014 but you should NOT get back with your ex from 2014.

Perfect Date: Literally u will end up at chipotle and pretend that its fine BUT ITS NOT FINE, JANICE.

Your crush is: Capricorn hahahaha

sagittarius

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

You got scheduled to work on Valentine’s Day but are you going in to your shift? HELL NO. The moon is in your fifth house which means that you will be surrounded by friends and admirers almost all month. Totally legitimate excuse to not go to work until March…

Perfect Date: Nothing rly crazy, just Netflix and Chill w fifty of ur closest friends.

Your crush is: Virgo will put up with you. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

capricorn

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

Capricorn, you silly goose!! You didn’t even know it was Valentine’s Day haha ya goofed! Just kidding you knew all along now come on babe the car is running outside were going to the strip club hell yea.

Perfect Date: You spent days slaved over ur laptop planning the perfect date for u and ur sweetie only to have it seem like a spontaneous night out aww how thoughtful.

Your crush is: You are in love w Cancer but also in love w Scorpio #drama.

aquarius

Aquarius (January 20th  – February 18th)

You’re feeling spicy this year so instead of a gift of chocolate and flowers for ur hunny you have something rly special planned. I heard that this year is gonna be the best valentines day ever but shhh don’t tell anyone its a secret heehee.

Perfect Date: Watchin’ a movie on the couch and snugglin’ all night ooh baby.

Your crush is: Obviously Pisces.

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

You are SO OVER hook up culture. Jupiter is in your eighth house which means that you are in the crossfire for Cupid’s arrows 😮 !! Your romance standards are usually pretty high but this Valentine’s you will take what you can get. Just make sure you use protection to make sure that you don’t give birth to a Scorpio…

Perfect Date: Going to a Harsh Noise concert under a bridge u heard about at Whole Foods.

Your crush is: I can’t believe I’m saying this… but Gemini is your ideal match (sorry).

Anna Topping ’17 is a Staff Writer for The Hub. She can be contacted at toppinga@emmanuel.edu and on Twitter @annaytopping.

Posted by on February 14, 2017. Filed under Around Campus,Horoscopes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.